For some reason lately, Attachment Theory is currently providing the background music to my growing understanding of relationships.

All the things I couldn’t fathom about connection have suddenly made sense through the framework of this theory.

This theory goes way back to the 1930s and came about through psychologists examining the relationship between mothers and babies.  The researchers noticed that this connection was more than just a dependence on a milk supply and marked a significant and fundamental human emotional connection.

In a further experiment, primary caregivers left a room temporarily to allow the researchers to observe the babies’ responses in order to understand and categorise them.  From this they came up with three main attachment styles - Secure (don’t we all wish), Insecure (lots of us - not our fault), and Avoidant (gets a very bad rap).

Please note!  The way in which we emotionally attach to our primary caregivers can be the same way in which we attach romantically later in our lives.  Who would have thought right?  Though this is not a hard and fast rule given that in some cases, early romantic relationships can be significant enough to alter our attachment styles.  But all is not lost, because once you understand your attachment style you can a) understand and empathise with yourself better, b) develop strategies to identify the root causes of your behaviour and c) effectively communicate your needs and set healthy boundaries.

So, this is roughly how it breaks down.  Secure attachment means the baby trusts that their caregiver is consistently there to meet all their needs.  Insecure means for some reason the caregiver can be a little inconsistent or sometimes unpredictable.  Avoidant means that the baby as a survival mechanism learns not to rely on the caregiver and focuses on looking after their own needs.

Ok so fast forward and here's where it gets interesting.  Avoidants find close emotional intimacy a little overwhelming, tending to focus on their own needs and show up a lot in the dating pool.  Insecures need a lot of reassurance, emotional closeness and will often throw themselves into serious love bombing and overinvest in the other person.  Secures are unflappable, good communicators, have an acceptable level of intimacy and healthy boundaries.  This is the ideal attachment style.  But this is the rub.  Avoidants and Insecures often end up together with disastrous consequences.  Avoidants don’t often work together because there is not enough co-interest to keep them together.  So essentially avoid the avoidants and look for securely attached humans.  And the moral of this story from the Kindy Teacher is we want lots of healthy securely attached humans in the world.

How you say?

• Reduce or eliminate barriers to connection.  Be fully present.  Place value on time spent with one another in true connection.
• Whenever possible, respond in a nurturing way when children express their needs and wants.  This doesn’t mean giving in to their every demand.  Rather, it means validating that the things they need, and are important to them.  Ensure that they have a secure relationship with you in which they feel valued and honored.  This is not a reference to material possessions but more basic needs for recognition and validation for who they are as growing people.
• BUILD TRUST.  Remember that each child is an individual.  As children grow older, the types of responses from parents that are most reassuring to them builds trust over time.  This becomes very important for the teenage years so they can trust you to listen to their inner thoughts and challenges.
• Regulate your own emotions so that you can be objective and understanding of their behaviour and developmental challenges.  Don’t take it personally or think that you are being judged on your child’s behaviour.  Observe, listen and understand what the behaviour is communicating.  Children need to have emotional outbursts in order to build an awareness of emotions and build strategies to identify and regulate these as they grow and develop.

This has been a very stripped back outline of attachment theory, but it lends itself well to understanding the different emotional needs we have based on the type of attachment we make with others.  There is a lot of information available regarding this and a number of useful Podcasts around.  Just ask me if you want to explore this further.

Sandy