Refusal - School or Other

It's helpful to try to understand or contextualise why there may be refusal from your child. It can be them needing extra connection with a caregiver, wanting emotional reassurance, an aversion to a sensory experience, a previous negative experience, fatigue, oncoming illness, or simply not knowing how to start a task or deal with a challenge (social, academic, physical or emotional). 

There may be a range of reasons for refusal and our job as parents is to be curious and observe more objectively what might be going on. Often as parents, we get emotionally triggered by our children's behaviour, feeling that others will judge us negatively or that we are failing to somehow crack the parenting code. No child is the same and we never know what another parent's experiences are like, however perfect their life may seem from the outside. These unrealistic comparisons wound us and often create unrealistic expectations of our child and selves. 

Try to take the positive step of moving away from comparisons and judgements towards asking, 'What kind of parent would I like to be?' Start small, building each skill set as challenges arise. Yes, it is extremely difficult when you feel depleted of sleep and energy and even two minutes to yourself so, please be kind to yourself. You are doing your best and you have got this!

• Set aside regular special time to connect with your child doing something fun and enjoyable (Try your best to be present and emotionally available - this way they open up and share more with you).
• Let them know how much you love them and how special they are regularly.
• Use positive reinforcement and gratitude for them and their help.
• Make sure they are getting a well-balanced diet and drinking enough water - increase their vitamin and essential nutrients intake if you think they may be getting sick.
• Ensure they are getting good quality sleep (12 hours). If they are getting less, consider earlier bedtimes and sometimes allowing sleep ins for them to catch up. If they are waking up tired, it may be worth observing them sleeping to assess their quality of sleep.
• Don't shut down their emotions - all feelings are welcome, just not all behaviours. Give them actions they can take to move through emotions in positive ways - if you are angry bite a pillow, if you are sad play with the dog, have a cuddle, share a joke, dance, sing etc. Always accept what children are feeling, acknowledge, comfort them and experiment with what helps them begin to recognise the feeling and know how to manage (not avoid) the feeling.

If all the usual bases are covered and you are still getting refusal, try to ask what the behaviour is telling you.

• Are they concerned about you? Young children are aware of their caregivers' emotional wellbeing and they may be responding to your stresses and so, want to be with you as a caring/comfort strategy. 
• Are they internalising social dynamics and feel on the outside of being chosen or having friends? It doesn't matter whether this is real or perceived, feeling socially isolated can feel terrible and everyone experiences these emotions. Have a meeting with their teacher about the social dynamics for your child at school. Ask what can be done about buddying them up or giving greater social opportunities for them to experience acceptance and modelling positive actions that they can practice empowering themselves socially. These are all vital life skills and if we keep children at home regularly, they miss out on putting social skills into practice and positively influencing the whole class dynamics for the better. 
• Is there an underlying cognitive difficulty they may be trying to mask? Many children learn quickly to adjust their behaviour to fit in and avoid being noticed or singled out in a group setting. Kids often don't see diversity and difference, because in groups we learn to modify behaviour to fit in. Yes, even socially popular kids! Sometimes they can assume that differences aren't welcome and then shame shows up for them creating an exhausting cycle of masking and avoiding feelings and melting down at home.
• Are the decisions and boundaries at home a bit inconsistent? They may have learnt that they get what they want by using certain strategies/behaviour. Healthy boundaries are vitally important, especially for young children. Consistent rhythms and routine are the bread and butter for building children's security and wellbeing. It's important to have family rules (boundaries) so that everyone in your family feels safe and secure. Its okay to say, “These are our family values and rules, and these are the consequences.” With young children keep it simple, make sure they understand, give them 3 opportunities to correct, guide with alternatives and reminders and follow up with the consequence. This does not need to be done in an emotional or punitive way, but in that they have chosen this and it is a natural consequence. They now miss out on something, are removed from a situation, have to assist or make restoration in some way. It is important, however, that you have some understanding of why they are doing the behaviour and don't use this strategy when they are emotionally dysregulated. Follow up after they have calmed down. Also, if you are emotionally triggered use the pregnant pause method and review what's going on for you. Walk into the next room and take some deep breaths and do what you need to soothe your dysregulation. I find a positive mantra works well: ‘This isn't personal!’ Later, go through your own personal work around your reactivity. 

I hope these ideas can assist on the journey of understanding your child, yourself and your family. They are by no means comprehensive or a magic pill. Parenting is a life journey that rewards and challenges us in ways we didn't anticipate and don't always feel equipped to manage. Its okay - you are not alone! Support yourself by taking some independent time and being kind and compassionate with yourself. You have got this!