Last term I gave a talk about how we set healthy boundaries. It is based on the book 'Setting Boundaries' by Rebecca Ray, an Australian psychologist. I am giving a brief outline here for those parents who missed it.

If it makes you feel better, I can say at the outset that I know very few people who can set healthy boundaries. Setting external boundaries is hard for many when you are conditioned early in life not to hurt other people's feelings and to prioritise others' needs over our own.

If you, like me for much of your life have had porous boundaries to please others, you have probably realised it is as successful as juggling pineapples. 

Setting boundaries and identifying one's own needs translates to parenting too. Often parents don't like setting boundaries because they are uncomfortable with their children's negative feelings. Every feeling is okay to experience, however, we may have been shut down or shamed when certain feelings showed up and this is why we can squirm with discomfort, disassociate, make excuses or look for external solutions. We can then as parents be overly permissive, give lots of choices, bribe with external rewards and not get clear about safe boundaries for everyone. 

Young children need the safety and security of clear boundaries and consistent consequences. It doesn't have to be punitive or mean. It can simply be clear and done with loving support. For example, "I know you feel angry because you didn't get to go to the park today and that's ok everyone feels anger sometimes. When you feel angry you can beat and scream at your pillow / shout and scream angry words on the trampoline / throw a heavy ball at the fence but you can't yell at or hit other people or animals. When you are angry, I will remind you and help you to do these other things to express your anger." All feelings are welcome but not all behaviours.

Behaviours and habits can be changed, and we can direct children to healthy expressions for their feelings. The important thing for children is a loving connection where you are their best support and guide, where you can set healthy boundaries and follow up with linked consequences when the behaviour has become negative or harmful. This could be as simple as missing out on something, providing you have prepared them first to outline what the behaviour is and the consequences. One example could be: "We are going to the park today and you need to remember not to ... " Give them 3 chances to correct the negative behaviour with reminders and then initiate the consequences kindly but firmly, ie "If you can't remember to use gentle hands with other children, we will leave the park." Ensure you follow through,  otherwise you can become a 'background noise' to them. This can be an anxiety -provoking experience for young children, which can then spiral into increasingly outrageous behaviours. 

This is just a small taster of the details that Rebecca Ray goes into in regards to setting boundaries. If you are interested to learn more, I recommend reading or listening to her book. 

If you are feeling challenged in setting boundaries, you are not alone. While implementing healthy boundaries may be hard at first, the long-term rewards are well worth it. Start small to develop structure and consistency to your parenting.  I am always available to help with simple parenting advice. 

Sandy Price

Karri Kindy Teacher